Tell me this Pain will Calm Down...

I HATE LOVING YOU, I'D LOVE TO HATE YOU,, BUT I CAN'T GIVE UP LOVING YOU. Okay, I don't really know what would I say or how I felt for now... disappointed, upset, I don't know, I just wanna type every single word that would fit the line, "YES, I'M IN PAIN"... and that what makes me feel that I'm so O.A.. but sometimes, you just need a good cry even if you don't know the reason why you're crying.

It hurts when a person who made you feel soooo special yesterday, makes you feel like the most unwanted person today. HELLO! Ambot nimo uyy, sakit baya pud, walang paki-alaman ang show pare? Why? Would you tell me the very exact reason why you're doing this to me? What about the memories we had before? Kalimtanay ang show? Agad-agad? THEN FINE! If I'm going to leave you, would that make you happy? Ikaw gud, I would accept it and I would respect on your decision hindi 'yung iniiwas-iwasan mo ako agad without even telling even a word. If leaving you alone would make you happy, I'LL GO FOR IT. Surely it hurts but we have our own decisions and I understand it. What I didn't understand is why you're trying to avoid me and without even asking how am I or even a simple text like before.....

If only he knew how it hurts me badly everytime I used to remember the love and care he gave unto me... if I only knew that he would hang me up like this way, without even holding on anything, I were not be able to allow myself to took any risk before. If he just warned me that we did beyond our limitations.. I were be able to stop myself. I HATE YOU! Paramis, I hate you because I can't fully understand why you have to do this to me.. I hate you because I can't comprehend why I have to be hurt this way... I hate you because you just hang up me like this without even giving a clue... Why, why am I dying inside.  I miss the old him so much.  I have no idea why he left?  Why did I have to be the one to leave? 

How do I get over this pain?  Was it all a cruel joke?  I feel so pathetic, that after all this pain he has caused me, I want him to call.  Maybe I was a total disappointed to him, an upset or a pure bad influence girl who's trying to ruin his life.. but my love for him was real!  I don't know why I'm writing this, just need someone to tell me this pain will calm down...


I JUST THOUGHT THAT HE'D ALWAYS BE HERE FOR ME :(

Lego House :[

I'm gonna pick up the pieces and build a Lego house. If things go wrong we can knock it down. My three words have two meanings but there's one thing on my mind. It's all for you

And it's dark in a cold December, but I've got you to keep me warm. If you're broken I will mend ya and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on, now

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love

I'll pick you up when you're getting down

And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind 

I'll do it all for you in time

And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now, now

I'm gonna paint you by numbers and colour you in

If things go right we can frame it and put you on a wall

And it's so hard to say it but I've been here before

Now I'll surrender up my heart and swap it for yours

Don't hold me down, I think the braces are breaking and it's more than I can take....

And out of all these things I’ve done, I will love you better now.........

Cheerfully Cheerless! :)

Do you know that feeling of being a cheerer but you yourself are hiding something that no one can ever cheer you up? It sucks... I used to stay up late at night because I used to build some big fantasies. Listening to stupid love songs, recalling some cute memories (but ended up on pain but not all), imagining huge and spectacular illusion - all those routine are the best thing I could ever do whenever I'm lonely and isolated. Strange right?

I'm that type of person who loves to be alone rather than be in the crowd. I'd prefer being by myself drinking some coffee and read books. I guess being in that life is more comfortable than meeting new friends (though it's more interesting).

Have you ever consider yourself being rude and useless? Because I used to bear that feeling. Not that people rejects me at all but I'm just afraid to accept critics from them. It's my fear. Being rejected by someone pushes me out to my comfort zone. I'm afraid of something that is unknown. But I'm trying to build my whole confidence and I guess I'm doing my job to develop it and trying to take any risk in every opportunity I faced to grow in different direction. I will never allow my low self esteem to penetrate my whole self and let it rule into my entire life... I will never allow insecurities to damage my focus. I know it's easy to say all these words but this is the least and the first thing to do as I'm going to step into another level of the process of developing my loner-syndrome....AFTER ALL, WHO KNOWS THROUGH THIS STEPS, I'LL BE ABLE TO CONQUER ALL MY FEARS AND BE A PROUD WOMAN IN THE FUTURE...BECAUSE I DO BELIEVE THAT I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SET MY MORAL COMPASS.....

-RECHEL :)

(Cheering Up Alone)