If I could explain love in one word..

“If I could explain love in one word, it would have to be trust. 
Trust that he doesn’t cheat on you, trust that he doesn’t lie to
 you, trust that he really likes you, trust that he will always be
 there for you, trust that he can go to a party and not get high 
or drunk, trust that you don’t have to worry about him breaking 
up with you the second you wake up, trust that he will stick up 
for you, trust that he will never fall in love with another,
 trust that he won’t just get sick of you, and trust that he
 wants you like you want him.”

I’m someone who’s mostly dead inside but still has a little hope for something extraordinary, which, as I said, is the worst breed of human, because it means I know everything is bullshit, but that I secretly hope for the day when it might not be...

I don't know where did I get this line, it suddenly popped in my head after the whole day earthquake. GOD BLESS, PHILIPPINES!

You're never alone. :)

Right now, there are people all over the world who are just like you. They're lonely. They're missing somebody. They're  in love with someone they probably shouldn't be in love with. They have secrets you wouldn't believe. They wish, dream, hope and they look out the window whenever they're in the car or on a bus or a train and watch the people on the streets and wonder what they've been through. They wonder if there are people out there like them. They're like you and you could tell them everything and they would understand. You're never alone. :))

Day and night, I'm always tired.

but at night, I stay up just late enough
until I am exhausted enough
Until I can fall into my bed
and into immediate slumber

because I can't stand,
to lie in my bed in a dark room
alone with my thoughts
for so many hours...

I crave space. It charges my batteries. It helps me breathe. Being around people can be so exhausting, because most of them love to take and barely know how to give. Except for a rare few.

Hope for something extraordinary..

“…I’m someone who’s mostly dead inside but still has a little hope for something extraordinary, which, as I said, is the worst breed of human, because it means I know everything is bullshit, but that I secretly hope for the day when it might not be.”

Queen of her own life

One day, she finally grasped that unexpected things were always going to happen in life. And with that, she realized the only control she had was how she chose to handle them. So, she made the decision to survive using courage, humor and grace. She was the Queen of her own life and the choice was hers.

A real boyfiee..

A real boyfriend knows when his girl is happy, lonely, mad, or aggravated. He knows when is the right time to comfort her when she’s down. He knows when he should just sit with her and listen. He knows when he is wrong and knows how to say sorry. He knows when to say a joke and when it is the best time to be serious. He knows when is the right time to tease her and knows when to stop. A real boyfriend can never be a perfect boyfriend, but can be the perfectly imperfect person for the one he loves. He’ll be the one reason why his girlfriend should feel lucky to have him.

When....

          When she stares at your mouth, kiss her. When she pushes you or hits you like a dummy cause she thinks she’s stronger than you, grab her and don’t let go. When she starts cursing at you and acting tough, kiss and tell her you love her. When she’s quite, ask what’s wrong. When she ignores you, give her your attention. When she pulls away, pull her back. When you see her at her worst, tell her she is beautiful. When you see her start to cry, just hold her and don’t say a word. When you see her walking, sneak up and hug her waist from behind. When she’s scared, protect her. When she steals your favorite hoodie, let her keep it and sleep with it for a night. When she teases you, tease her back and make her laugh. When she doesn’t answer for a long time, reassure her everything is okay When she looks at you with doubt, back yourself up. When she says that she loves you, she really does more than you can understand. When she grabs your hands, hold hers and play with her fingers. When she bumps into you, bump into her back and make her laugh. When she tells you a secret, keep it safe and untold. When she looks at you in your eyes, don’t look away until she does. When she says it’s over, she still wants to be with you. When she reposts this bulletin she wants you to read it. When she’s mad, hug her tight and don’t let go. When she says she’s okay, don’t believe it, talk with her because in 10 years she’ll remember you. Call her at 12 in the morning on her birthday to tell her you love her. Treat her like she’s all that matters to you. Watch her favorite movie or show with her, even if you think it’s stupid. Give her the world. Let her wear your clothes. When she’s bored and sad, hangout with her. Let her know she’s important. Don’t talk to other girls around her.

It maybe a bit exaggerated but somehow I keep on praying that this man is existing..

Things Every Inspired Person (That’s YOU) Should Know...

Here’s a list of nine principles I’ve learned the hard way that every inspired person, regardless of their specific aspirations, should know and follow on a daily basis.

1. Life’s biggest limitations are the ones you make in your mind.  Life’s biggest causes of unhappiness are the false beliefs you refuse to let go of.  You are capable of far more than you are presently thinking, imagining, doing or being.  But you will ultimately become what you habitually contemplate; so clear your mind and let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.
2. You must deal with the world the way it is, not the way you wish it was.  Think positive.  Life is good.  Too many people miss the silver lining because they’re expecting pure gold.  Positive thinking isn’t about expecting the best to always happen, but accepting that whatever happens is the best for the moment.  So keep smiling and keep following your heart.  Someday, life will get tired of upsetting you.  Read Happiness Is a Serious Problem.
3. What others do is out of your control.  Realize that you can’t always count on others to respect your feelings, even if you respect theirs.  Being a good person doesn’t guarantee that others will be good people too.  You only have control over yourself – over how you choose to be as an individual.  And as for others, you can only accept them, or walk away.
4. You were not meant to sit at the edge of your comfort zone.  Not trying for fear of falling.  Not loving for fear of losing love.  Not speaking your truth for fear of what others will think.  Not looking at yourself in the mirror for fear of what you might see.  Try, and then try again with all your might.  Your courage will unfold as your resolve takes hold.  And with each effort you make you will earn a little more confidence which you can use to acquire what no one else can give you: Your self-respect, and the life you were meant to live.
5. You are not like anyone else.  Don’t you ever let anyone tell you that you can’t be exactly who you are.  In a world of comparison and conformity, take a stand.  Make your own statement.  Honor your own truth.  Risk speaking your own thoughts and sharing your own ideas.  Express your fears, tears, doubts, and insecurities – let others experience the real you.  Have the courage to be yourself and realize that you’re perfect just the way you are.  Read The Art of Non-Conformity.
6. True love is one-way traffic.  It’s a pure flow of giving and expecting nothing in return.  Anything else is a contract.  Notice how whenever you allow love to flow you are always clear, calm and strong.  It is only when the thought arises, “What have they given me in return?” that there is confusion and resentment.  Ego transacts, love transforms.  Life is too short for all these meticulous contracts and transactions.  Remain clear, remain bright, and remain strong.  Love without expectation.
7. You cannot live your life at the mercy of chance.  You cannot stumble along with a map marked only with the places you fear, or the places you know you don’t want to revisit.  You cannot remain trapped, endlessly, in a state where you are unable to ask for directions, even though you’re terribly lost, because you don’t know your destination.  You have to stand up, look at yourself in the mirror, and say, “It isn’t good enough for me to know only what I DON’T want in life.  I need to decide what I DO want.”
8. Being genuine is more important than being right.  You may say or do all the right things, but if it doesn’t come from the heart, it means nothing.  You may not always know the right things to say or do, but if your intent is genuine, then it means the world.  When you work from a foundation of truth, you are free to make as many choices, free to make as many mistakes, free to take as much time as necessary to get it right. Read As a Man Thinketh.
9. Your future depends on what you do right now.  Challenge yourself to be who you know you are capable of being.  Challenge yourself to follow through – to live what you preach, to walk your talk.  Don’t worry about how slowly you feel you’re heading toward your goals, or how many roadblocks you find, or how many detours you’re forced to take.  As long as you keep doing your thing, you’re still cruising far ahead of everyone who’s too scared to even try.

-MARC CHERNOFF

Being a human...

It sucks to cry. It's even worse when you have to hold back the tears and pretend to be fine. Sometimes you can't pretend anymore. Sometimes emotions get too strong and you break, but this doesn't make you weak, it makes you human.

Something I'm trying to believe..

It’s cute when your boyfriend tells you little things. Even when it’s as simple as a story of when they were younger or if  they tell you about a dream they had, it’s just so cute. I like it when they can be honest. Forget the act of trying to be mysterious because it’s not attractive, it’s confusing. Just be straight up with me. Trust me and I’ll ’trust you….

This line keeps running on my mind as I walk around somewhere.... Uggghh! Forget everything and start thinking real....

“I’m not looking to fall in love. I’m not even necessarily looking for a boyfriend right now. All I really want is to find a nice, good guy I can text late at night, joke around with, and be stupid with. Someone who likes the same music as me, someone I can easily talk to, someone I can be my total self around and not mind at all. A guy I can waste Friday nights with, laugh with, and have fun with. Someone who’s not perfect, but understands me, you know? Is that really too much to ask for?”

U-N-E-X-P-E-C-T-E-D

Sometimes, you just have to make the decision to be happy. Just realize that things aren't ever what you hoped they'd be. Not ever! For everybody. The only thing that separates one kind of person from another is that there are some who stay angry about it and there are some who accept what comes their way.

I'm kinda upset of hows life turning upside down. I wanna hate society for treating me like somebody who is an insensitive to her feelings. I mean, how can a person do something worse that I ever expected to someone I never expected? Fvck! I wanna punch myself for being so blind. Life is sometimes harsh but I guess this is too much. I just wanna give myself a little break and hold on to to this feelings... Whatever will happen, then let it be.

If only I could turn back time...

“Well I guess it’s typical to cling to memories you’ll never get back again, and to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago, or a friend that you used to know, and there below his frozen face where you wrote the name of that ancient date, that ancient date, and you can’t believe he’s really gone. When all that’s left is a fucking song.”

Sometimes I get this urge to talk to you, and then I remember that you're a different person now. It's just sad because I miss you.......ALOT!! :(

A little bit of...

When you are sad and down, you  have that one thing that keeps you from breaking down; you realize that without that one thing you would be nothing.

well, he’s that guy for me.

“Ever have that one person in your life that you just can’t give up on, the one person that can screw you over time after time, yet you always seem to give them another chance? And no matter how many times you say this is their last one, you know it’s a lie because there’s always just one more waiting for them. The one person you know you’re better off without, but you can’t find a way to let them go because deep down inside, you wouldn’t know what to do without them. The one person you know doesn’t deserve you, but yet you choose to overlook it because you love him. yeah? well, he’s that guy for me.”

Self-induced mess

“You’re a waste. You hide behind your hair and you never go to parties. You have no friends and you have managed to fuck up just about everything, you can’t really cry because you know it is your fault but you have to for some reason, it’s an addiction to become this self-induced mess with bruises and cuts. You bite your nails and your lip and listen to sad music while watching every other human being living their life, fulfilling every part of it and you wonder why you are so depressed and miserable, it is because it is your fault. Stop trying to feel misunderstood and just realize no one cares, you shouldn’t either.”

lost amidst all of your yesterdays...

11:59 p.m.

in one minute, or 

sixty seconds, or 

sixty thousand milliseconds, 

today will be gone

and today will be yesterday and

tomorrow will be today.

It's kind of terrifying when you think

about it.

terrifying in the way that everything

you did today - all the

lists you've made,

places you've been,

things you've touched,

songs you've heard,

conversations you've had - will

soon become a memory,

or worse, it would be forgotten.

lost amidst all of your yesterdays...

...gone!

                                12:00a.m.

                                today

“Don’t ignore effort of a person who tries to keep in touch, because not all the time SOMEONE cares.”

No one can promise they’ll never hurt you, because at one time or another they will. The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end.

It's hard to find someone who will love you no matter what....

I LOVE YOU. I'M IN-LOVE WITH YOU... I HAVE TRIED TO KILL IT, TO RUN AWAY FROM IT, BUT I CAN'T AND I DON'T WANT TO ANYMOREEEEEEEEEE........

When a girl cries, it is not usually over one thing... It is built up anger and emotions that she's been holding in for too long :(

CRIED FOR MORE THAN AN HOUR....

I look up — many people feel small because they’re small and the Universe is big — but I feel big, because my atoms came from those stars. There’s a level of connectivity. 

That’s really what you want in life, you want to feel connected, you want to feel relevant, you want to feel like a participant in the goings on of activities and events around you. 

That’s precisely what we are, just by being alive… 

- Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson

...........

When was the last time you ever ask me if I'm alright? Seems like things are really unfair and even though I can feel it that I'm important to you, it's just that doubts are coming on my way and make me believe that I'm just no use to you.....

YES! I'M STILL FIGHTING BUT HOW I WISH TIME WILL COME THAT YOU'LL GOING TO FIGHT WITH ME TOGETHER AND ESCAPE THE REALITY AND MAKE OUR OWN FAIRYTALE LOVE STORY! :(

CAROLINIAN JOSENIAN LOVESTORY

TO WHOEVER THEY ARE, I SALUTE YOU FOR YOUR AWESOME LOVE STORY. MAKA-SOYA :(

Falling inlove? It was never part of my plan. I mean who needs a boyfriend when I have awesome friends who rock my world. But when I met him 4 years ago, I had a sudden change of heart. DMD oi. Pagkita shudi balibad oyy. He's an epitome of perfection, a kind of guy who'd sweep you of your feet and whisk you off to his palace on horseback. Gwapo jud kaayu siya, bright pud, buotan, may kaya gamay ug ang pinakalove jud nako kay ang pagka God-fearing ug family oriented. Di jud gani ko kalimut giunsa namu pagmeet. Nagkasakay man mi atu sa jeep padung SM nea nitunol siya ug plite 'Carolinian, palihug plite' ako ra pud gidawat nea mao ra tu then kevs ra, walay attraction on my part. Paguli nako nahibung ko naay ni txt nako, ang kugtong diay.
1st Text:
J: Hi, Carolinian
C: kinsa ni oyy?
J:Imung future
C:Boang naka. Wa man gani ko kaila nimu. Ma future ka karun.
J:Malditaha oy
C:aww. sorry gud. Spammer palang ka.
J:ako bitaw tong nitunol ug plite nimu ganiha nga nitawag ug Carolinian nimu.
C:aww ikaw diay to?
J: makigfriends ko ha. Pwede ra?
C:haha ambot
Classmate diay sila sa akong miga miga, mao to ni BDO siya, he find ways. haha. Basta daghan pag churvabels basta mao natuy sinugdanan sa gugmang way katapusan. hahahaha kalol oyy. After atu chat2, text2 dayun, tawag2, kita2, kaon2 sa mcdo. Char2 stage gud in short. Pero before nagkakami iya sa gipanguyaban akong daddy hangtud ni approve si daddy nea pag June2009 nagkauyab jud intawn, kaluoys ginoo. We were each other's first so mga wala juy alamag. Carolinian, Josenian ra gani amung endearment usahay baby. Awkward pud ang 1st holding hands namu samut nang 1st kiss. Pero nakat.un ra man pud ang boang. Nakat.un ug surprise2. Gitagaan gani ko atu niya ug bottle nga naay sagol2 nga 365things he love about me, lovequotes ug sweet msgs, pag 1st anniv to. Hilak gud kos kalipay. HE'S THE SWEETEST BF ever jud. He'd always hold my hand, hug me whenever he feels like somethings wrong, listen to all my stories and dramas, kiss me on my forehead, pinch my nose, play w/ my hair basta tanan sweet actions. Musabay jud siyas tanang ka cornyhang akong mahunahunaan. Mao na everyday is a kilig day. Di gud na muagi ang adlaw nga di siya mag I LOVE YOU. Pero naa pud miy away2 like kanang luod2, selos2 labi na siya nga oa sa pagkaseloso. Pero nakalahutay jud intawn ug 4yrs nea naa pay bonus CPA ming duha. We were so happy, it feels like we have the most perfect lovestory but our story w/c I thought would last forever ENDED. 

Last June, during our fourth anniversary :'((( Didtu mi ug SM. Nangaon sa harbour City then Kinect sa Quantum. Nea nangadtu mis ila. Storya2. Nakahisgot pa gani kog plans in the fututre. Pero hilom ra jud kaayu siya. Mao to ako siya gi ask. Nea gi hug ko niya.

NAKABUNTIS KO!!!

Mao ra tu iyang naingun. Namugnaw ko nga Wa ko kasabot. Sakit nga di.Sige na siyag hilak mao to nihilak na pud ko. Pero ga hug pa mi ha, we stayed like that for a while. then after atu nangutana kos details. UG SA DIHANG ang iyang nabuntis kay ang bestfriend nako nga blockmateniya sauna. Hastang! Mura kog giyab.an ug 1 drum na bugnaw na tubig oyy. Ako pa daw ang nakahibaw. grabeha lagi atu kasakit,kanang ma feel jud nimu baa. Niuli ko oyy, didtu ko nagminatay ug hilak. Wa ko nagpakita niya for a week. Nea ni GM si Girl nga naa daw siya iannounce sa barkada, kahibaw nako unsa to. Pero ni adtu japun ko. Didtu pa jud sa balay sa Gwapo nakong uyab. Pag.abot nako wala pa may taw, gipalingkod ra ko sa maid sa kanang terrace2 nga naa sa gawas ba. Nahibung ko niandar bitaw nang themesong namu, nea nagkagubot sa gawas. Mao to paggawas nako naglinya akong barkada with matching "BE MY WIFE"nga banner. Ni gawas dayun ang kugtong. "Babe,Joke ra bitaw tung buntis2. HEHEHE. Ganahan ra ko magbuwag ta kadiyot para makaprepare ko ani. Ganahan ko special gud ug memorable.

Will you share the rest of your life with me?

Pwede matay sa kakilig. Feel ninyu unsa akong tubag? Aww, OO oyy. Pero gidukol nako siya sa pagpangilad nako. HAHAHA. Mao to, engage nami.Hopefully ikasal inig 2015 or 2016. Layu pa pero at least we're together.

THE WORLD SADDENS ME..

THE WORLD SADDENS ME. We are now living in a world where being different can... make people think there is something wrong with them... make people go clinically insane... make them want to kill themselves. DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU SAD?

Just with the knowledge that your hands are linked together.... :)

Holding hands might just be the cutest thing ever. It's such an intimate gesture, yet so innocent at the same time. When you feel their hand touching the palm of yours, it's like the world is at your fingertips at that moment. And even better, the first time two people ever hold hands, is precious. When the person nudges at your hand and eventually slides their fingers interlocking with yours and you feel your cheeks getting warm, turning a shade of rosy pink and your heart is pounding like drums. When they grasp on so tight like it would be impossible to let you go. How their hand just seems to fit right into yours as if it was meant to be that way. So beautiful and satisfying with a rush of different emotions. And just with the knowledge that your hands are linked together makes your heart even fonder and you can literally feel how close you are to each other,

I’m just so oblivious to the things going on around me..

If you've ever been depressed, then maybe you know where I'm coming from. It’s like one minute you’re fine, and the next minute something happens that makes you think -- i mean really think -- and then you’re totally empty. The only thoughts that are in your head are negative and it makes you feel totally alone, like you don't mean anything to anyone. All you want to do is tell someone how you feel, but you don't want their pity, and even if you could tell someone, nothing would come out right. You don't want to laugh or smile, or whine, or argue, or even be stubborn or difficult, you just want to go to bed and cry and hope this feeling passes, and sometimes it does, but it always seems to come back. You think that all your friends hate you and only talk to you because they feel bad for you. You know complete strangers judge you just because of how you look and how you act, and when you think about how you’re not as beautiful as the crowd that surrounds you, it makes you feel even worse. And of the two people that are supposed to love you the most in the world, one left you, and the other has to scream at you sometimes because they get angry and upset too. You feel like you will probably search your whole life for that one person that you can totally trust that you can love forever, who will never ever hurt you, but you know somewhere deep down that you'll probably never find him. He probably doesn't even exist, so you just give up, you want so desperately to be alone, but at the same time you fear it so much. You know how it feels to know that you’re a bad person, to let your friends down and always be selfish, isolated, self conscious, bitter, whiny, and obsessive. You listen to what everyone else has to say, but you never tell them how YOU feel, because that would mean revealing part of yourself, and you just can't do that; you can't let anyone really know you. And your opinion wouldn't matter to them anyway, and most of all if you took the time to sit down and try to get all your feelings out for the first time in your life, it would be completely overwhelming and if anyone ever listened to all of that, they would have to agree with you 100 percent.

I don’t know what it is, I just cry sometimes. Maybe I’m just so oblivious to the things going on around me, that I don’t realize that I’m hurting as much as I am, so when the tears stream down my face & I don’t have anything to say, don’t ask me why I’m crying, because I simply don’t know, just hold me, I just want to be held...

Remembering us like we were that summer...

The hurt began to fade and it was easier to just let go. At least I thought it was. But in every boy I met in the next few years, I found myself looking for you, and when the feelings got too strong I'd write you another letter. But I never sent them, in fear of what I might find. By then, you'd gone on with your life and I didn't want to think about you loving someone else. I wanted to remember us like we were that summer. I didn't want to ever forget that 

- Nicholas Sparks

You just happen to be apart of that everyone..

“And if after reading this, you still don’t believe that you have a person that totally loves and admires you, you’re wrong. You’re just wrong. Because no matter what your thinking, and no matter how ‘uncool’ you are, I think your amazing, and I think your beautiful, because everyone and everything has beauty, and you just happen to be apart of that everyone.”

Be the "YOU!"

“You are the only person who is in charge of how you feel about yourself. Nobody else can possibly do that. You get to decide if you believe you are beautiful or not, and nobody can take it away from you. If someone suggests that you aren’t beautiful, you can consider how sad it is that they have such a limited view of beauty. You can consider how unfortunate it is that they have such an exaggerated sense of self-importance that they think you should care about what they think. You can also choose to realize that it has nothing at all to do with your beauty and everything to do with their limitations.”

—	Ragen Chastain

NOMAD...

Can we be best friends,
best friends who fall in love,
an adorable couple,
we won't just love each other,
not in a conventional way,
but in the "you're-my-other-half" kind of way,
where we're not only together,
but we're the best of friends,
as if nothing ever mattered,
just us?

-onesprayer

And there it be....

You come to the point of giving up when the hopes that used to keep you going becomes the reason for you to stop believing.

Sometimes you just can’t tell someone how you feel. Not because you don’t trust them, but because you can never really find the right words to make them understand...

I IGNORE TEXTS. I LET THE PHONE RING. I LOG OFF FACEBOOK CHAT. IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL, BUT PEOPLE NEED TO REALIZE THAT SOMETIMES I JUST DON'T WANT TO TALK....

Quandaries

Is it right for me to get my hopes up?

Like to hope that something happens
But inevitably, it basically never does?
To hope that what is being said helps?

Either way, I can’t help myself not to.
I have to hope for small thing like this.
They are really the only thing saving me.
To hope. But, then to be let down by it.

What the hell is wrong with me?
Being broken keeps me together.
Getting hurt is now the status quo.
Sometimes, I lose track of life itself.

-PAPER FROG :)

In the most innocent sense...

I want to sleep with you, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. I don’t know, I guess something about being able to synchronize our breathing to our own heartbeats really attracts me to the idea. I’d love to fall asleep to the sound of your voice and the smell of your hair. If I had my way, we’d cuddle and tell each other childhood stories before finally falling into a silent bliss. I want to sleep with you because I want to see if you snore, and if you do, I’ll tease you about it for the rest of our lives together. I want to be able to wake you up with a dozen kisses, just to stare into your eyes and silently communicate to you just how much I love you, because I just can’t find the words. Look forward to waking up to the smell of pancakes and pure sunshine, but don’t go anywhere. Yes that’s right, I’m cooking you breakfast in bed.

Malipay jud ko'g magkaluto ko ani para nimo ;)

Dynamic Relash-ion..

I'm trying to understand this new dynamic between us. It's not as simple as "YOU EITHER WANT ME OR YOU DON'T".

I know that. I hate that. KEEPING YOU IN MY LIFE MIGHT KILL ME. BUT LETTING GO WILL.

Dear God....

Lately I have been struggling with getting along with mom. I dont know how to make her happy. i feel like shes always upset with me no matter what.. can you help me make things better? she always holds grudges against me and i dont know how to make it better. i know i have made a mistake, yet i am still continuing to make the same mistake over and over again. should i live on my own? should i stick through it and stay here? i dont know what to do god. i feel stuck and i dont know what to do. please help make mom happy.. i want her to be happy. and if it means helping me change my ways, help me change my ways. i trust you god to lead me to the right path. i love you and in Jesus’s name I pray, amen.

te echo de menos....

I was in the room, and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything, but then again I was thinking about nothing.... A long way to go, stuck into something unknown. I wanna go out somewhere to someone I am comfortable with but they're too far away and maybe some of them don't care at me at all. Let me just tell you what's in  my mind to someone...


I miss you. Not in some cheesy, let's hold hands and be together forever way. I just miss you. PLAIN AND SIMPLE.I miss your presence in my life. I miss you always being there for me.

Stuck in the Midst...

I want to wake up each morning in your arms... comforted by your oddness, seduced by your knowledge of my ways....

I WAN TO CARE FOR YOU!!! STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND CAN'T SLEEP MINDING STUFF THAT I KNOW DEEP DOWN SHOULD BE CLEARED OUT SO THAT IT CAN'T BOTHER OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS THAT MATTERS TO ME....

RANDOM-ization....

Nothings really special today, I just find it boring everywhere. Thinking of what would be the right thing to do to make my life a bit productive. Have I ever told you that I wanna change my perspective in life? I mean not a sudden change that people will be shock of what I am doing. I just wanna change for the betterment of my own  self. Thinking of what to say but I'll tell you sooner. Let me just say "HI TO MY OLD FRIEND WHO NEVER KNOW HOW TO GIVE GRATITUDE AFTER ALL THE THINGS WE DID TO HER." Our friendship will only remain as a memory and I guess that's the period between us, she's stubborn.. sorry for the word! Not to detail why we became strangers because even me, i don't understand why she's acting so stupid without giving a valid reason. I can't give further reason why we became "UNFRIEND", it just happen, you know! Like i was trying to chat her but when I search her name it suddenly appear on her profile "ADD AS FRIEND", and I felt terribly...I DONT KNOW! I dont know what to react, whether to be happy or sad. I'm a bit shock but well, just accepting the real scent of her soul.

Oh, by the way...I'm trying to catch my mom's attention and she's busy...I'm sad at first but then i realize, she's making the best of what she can do to make us the best in their own way...that's why I'm planning to ask her time... please pray for me :) Ciao!

Enough is enough....

The best way to get over someone is to cut off all the ties. It's a lot easier when you don't see or hear from them. YOUR FEELINGS WILL EVENTUALLY DIE. It's not the breakup that hurts the most. It's the post trauma that follows it. It's waking up and checking your phone for the SMS that is not there.

Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.... 

So there it goes, I guess it's pretty much obvious why I go into blogging again....talking about love and pain. Probably, I should not be talking about this matter because it's been a long time since Reyar and I broke up...it's just that, I still have feelings for him. Seriously, I can't deny the fact on what's going on my mind tonight, thinking of why the guts I have can't even stop me from chasing him. I'm trying to control my feelings over my thoughts. I'm trying to restrain this crazy emotions that long time ago should be forgotten...I CAN'T!! And that's the hardest thing I could ever do, nooo, it's an easy thing to do, it's just the mind and body don't follow, and they keep on tracking a hole to oppose my affection unto him.

So much for the drama, I'm trying to express this right now because he's letting me go as in like LETTING GOOOOO, you know, strangers with thousand of memories....isn't it cool right? Anyways, putting a gap is what he wants, and okay fine, since we don't have the right to demand for something and that's the only way to end up this messy relationship, let me give him the right to grant what he wants... dunno know what to write in here, lots of things bothering my mind and I find it hard to urge this thought into words....but let me tell you honestly, I'm just afraid that maybe one day, I'll find him happy with someone else and here I am still waiting for that one day to come that I'll be good enough to someone else...because for now, he's all I've been thinking of, he's all I need, nothing more, nothing less...his presence and smiles are enough for me to let my world see the beauty of life. Yea, I know it's a bit exaggerated..allow me to shout this through words because I know this is the only thing I can do to express the sensation I felt for himgot no one to talk to about this... I got nothing to do when his decision is firm...but to you Rey, thank you...thank you for the insane feeling I got, maybe soon if ever our friendship will grow (even just as small as a seed), we'll both laugh at this and create a stronger bond, at least super duper learning experiences will never be erased between the two of us. I've been burdened with blame trapped in the past for too long, and now, I'm moving on. If I didn't love you, this never would have happened. But I did. And accepting that love and everything that followed it is part of letting it go.

Though time was able to escape from the cage of our adventurous-a-bit-puppy-but-serious-love, I'm still not loosing hope that it (time) will still come back unto us, and let both of us realize that LOVE IS PATIENCE ENOUGH TO LET US FEEL THAT IT IS WORTH THE WAIT..... :) 

-always loving you….RECHEL :)

Integration by hearts -__-

BEING INLOVE WAS LIKE CHINA: YOU KNEW IT WAS THERE, AND NO DOUBT IT WAS VERY INTERESTING, AND SOME PEOPLE WENT THERE, BUT NEVER WOULD I. I'D SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE WITHOUT EVER GOING TO CHINA, BUT IT WOULDN'T MATTER, BECAUSE THERE WAS ALL THE REST OF THE WORLD TO VISIT.


Okayy, USC i guess is the only University in Cebu who had class today...news feed on my facebook and twitter flooded but I'm not that affected, like really :) One thing I bear in mind was that, this afternoon we'll be having our Pre final exam on Integral Calculus and I'm not that ready. I don't have the courage to answer those shitty integrals problems or whatsoever....Srsly, I feel like I'm blank to those plane areas, volumes integration thingy but I have to face it. I'll end up my anguish mode here, I'm just bursting this out because I feel like I'm drowning...grades? My God! Dunno what to say here. Gotta check you out later...

Dear Crush,

I don't know where to start at all. It's so crazy when and how we met. I remember that day just like yesterday. Sometimes something always crosses my mind . . . Do you remember that day? Or is it just forgotten like the day we met was nothing? Did it even matter to you? I bet it didn't. I bet it was just one of your usual days and you met some crazy girl.

You're so funny. You always have the funniest joke. Every time I see you I just can't help but smiling no matter what. You always ask me why I am smiling but I just never have an answer. I guess it's just impossible for me to look at you without smiling. Sometimes that's all I can do when I am unable to reply to you when you talk to me.

When you talk to me sometimes it's so hard for me to talk back to you. I stutter and try to talk back but nothing comes out. The only thing I realize at the moment you're talking to me is the butterflies churning in my stomach. I wonder if you think my stuttering is cute? Or what if you think I am just annoying?

Okay, so much for this and I'll shut my mouth up. But oh boy, you complete me, I mean not that much, but there's something in you that sparkled and makes me faint. (Char, exaggerated) Gotta fix my stuff here, study harder and end up to here. 'till next time bloggy :)

P.S., I still have a lot of things to share....

Sweet Sceneee...

Now that I got no one to lean on and there's nowhere to go, I guess this is the only way I can tell to the world of how terrible I am feeling this time..... I know I'm being so emotional again and I hope people will not judge me all of a sudden for acting this way, I just can't bare of missing someone.

I went to Leyte to attend Lola Mameng's burial  since my parents can't go there because my younger brother, Rhodney, had a dengue. Meet and greet relatives (old and new faces). We grieve for lola's death but at the same time rejoice for reuniting the "Balbas Family"...not to detail the whole happenings of Lola's last few times with us in this temporary world, the only thing I can say is that we became as one again, not just in blood but also in deciding certain issues and decisions before bidding farewell to our Lola Mameng.

On the other hand, the main reason why I'm sad tonight is that I just missed my Lola Peding (my real Lola and sister of Lola Mameng). I just missed how she tenderly cared me. Lola Peding never let me feel that I'm useless. I never felt empty when I'm with her. Crack jokes, sharing my teenage life comparing to her teenage time, laughing for a nonsense teleserye, etc, all those stuff, from her head to her toes, from her skin to her deepest bone... I TERRIBLY MISSED HER, like yes, I DO REALLY MISSED HER!!!

Sleeping beside lola Peding is the sweetest feeling I could ever imagine, I know some won't believe in me but I don't know, there's something in her that sparks me. I'm so sensitive to every words she speaks, so emotional when she sings.. in her, I never felt like starving, I'm always full. She never allow me to go somewhere without eating something. Whether she's mad or she's tired, WALAY REKLAMO BASTA PARA NAKO...and I guess that's the reason why I'm always craving for her presence.

Being with her is such a lovely feeling but then again...I still have another priority here in Cebu as a student and as a daughter to my mom. So then, I left her in Leyte, went back immediately in Cebu and face my reality. Part of my self (or my whole self) didn't want to go back and even think to transfer school near to Lola (which I know that mom won't allow me)... but before going back, I cherished every seconds left, took alot of pictures with her, ate together, shared almost all my secrets. TIME FLIES SO FAST that it is already around 5:00 P.M. and after an hour I'll be leaving her.... suddenly my eyes started to wet and I'm trying to stop it not to fall. My stuff were ready and dinner is also ready, kissed her goodbye and then ride in the car.

The only thing that makes me feel sad is that Lola is far away from  me to hugged with tight, to talked with, to laughed with, I don't know..... I'm just really mad at myself for feeling this way. I'm just lonely for Lola is always alone at home and there's no one she can talk to. I wanna be with her all the time.. now that Lola Mameng passed away, Lola Adela is miles away from her, too... who else could she turn to? Now tell me not to worry about it.... Well, honestly, I guess the only thing that made me really sad, in general, is that I'm afraid of loosing her. Of course I can accept the fact that we'll be all leaving in this world but I'm just scared and not ready of loosing her. Part of myself is scared to face my future without lola at my side. Scared of facing my reality without asking her advice....and the only thing that I keep on praying is that "I HOPE ONE DAY, I CAN REPAY LOLA'S SACRIFICES SHE MADE FOR US (my family)..AND HOPEFULLY WE CAN STILL SHARE EACH OTHERS GLANCE AS I'LL RECEIVE MY BACHELOR AS AN ENGINEER...laugh so hard like there's no more tomorrow." 

I expressed too much, now I guess I need to stop making dramatic things and continue to be happy for her.... somehow, I'm just wishing that despite that I'm miles away from lola peding, there'll be that one person (though not as like her) whom I can turn to without any doubt and worry.....I guess, I'll end up to here, I don't wanna think worries and just hoping that Lola's happy right now for me, for everyone that she loves...LOOK AHEAD AND STAY POSITIVE :)

IF THINGS AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH RIGHT NOW, PLEASE TELL ME THAT THINGS WILL BE BETTER SOON ENOUGH. :)

-rechel

Baby, I just so love...

Have you ever just looked at someone and thought, “I really love you”. They’re just talking or humming or watching a movie or reading a book or laughing or something, and there’s something about them in that moment—their body is alive, there’s a light in their eyes, something—that makes you think, “I just really love you.” It’s a weird sensation to think this, but it’s pretty awesome that we can feel this way about another being. :)

Okayy, I have lots of things to say for now and I wanna write those stuffs one by one but I got plenty of more important things to do, so my introduction is just the clue :) Gotta catch yaaa sooner! 

One last hold and good bye. 

I miss this dude, sad to say he's falling out of me...

Believe!

Sometimes, I just have to remind myself that it'll all be okay. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but one day. Say it enough that one day I'll actually believe it. Remind myself that things have changed. It changed for a reason. I just have to let go and move on. It's going to be hard and I'm gonna feel lonely but I'll just hold on, cause who knows tomorrow won't be the best day of my life. :))