Sweet Sceneee...

Now that I got no one to lean on and there's nowhere to go, I guess this is the only way I can tell to the world of how terrible I am feeling this time..... I know I'm being so emotional again and I hope people will not judge me all of a sudden for acting this way, I just can't bare of missing someone.

I went to Leyte to attend Lola Mameng's burial  since my parents can't go there because my younger brother, Rhodney, had a dengue. Meet and greet relatives (old and new faces). We grieve for lola's death but at the same time rejoice for reuniting the "Balbas Family"...not to detail the whole happenings of Lola's last few times with us in this temporary world, the only thing I can say is that we became as one again, not just in blood but also in deciding certain issues and decisions before bidding farewell to our Lola Mameng.

On the other hand, the main reason why I'm sad tonight is that I just missed my Lola Peding (my real Lola and sister of Lola Mameng). I just missed how she tenderly cared me. Lola Peding never let me feel that I'm useless. I never felt empty when I'm with her. Crack jokes, sharing my teenage life comparing to her teenage time, laughing for a nonsense teleserye, etc, all those stuff, from her head to her toes, from her skin to her deepest bone... I TERRIBLY MISSED HER, like yes, I DO REALLY MISSED HER!!!

Sleeping beside lola Peding is the sweetest feeling I could ever imagine, I know some won't believe in me but I don't know, there's something in her that sparks me. I'm so sensitive to every words she speaks, so emotional when she sings.. in her, I never felt like starving, I'm always full. She never allow me to go somewhere without eating something. Whether she's mad or she's tired, WALAY REKLAMO BASTA PARA NAKO...and I guess that's the reason why I'm always craving for her presence.

Being with her is such a lovely feeling but then again...I still have another priority here in Cebu as a student and as a daughter to my mom. So then, I left her in Leyte, went back immediately in Cebu and face my reality. Part of my self (or my whole self) didn't want to go back and even think to transfer school near to Lola (which I know that mom won't allow me)... but before going back, I cherished every seconds left, took alot of pictures with her, ate together, shared almost all my secrets. TIME FLIES SO FAST that it is already around 5:00 P.M. and after an hour I'll be leaving her.... suddenly my eyes started to wet and I'm trying to stop it not to fall. My stuff were ready and dinner is also ready, kissed her goodbye and then ride in the car.

The only thing that makes me feel sad is that Lola is far away from  me to hugged with tight, to talked with, to laughed with, I don't know..... I'm just really mad at myself for feeling this way. I'm just lonely for Lola is always alone at home and there's no one she can talk to. I wanna be with her all the time.. now that Lola Mameng passed away, Lola Adela is miles away from her, too... who else could she turn to? Now tell me not to worry about it.... Well, honestly, I guess the only thing that made me really sad, in general, is that I'm afraid of loosing her. Of course I can accept the fact that we'll be all leaving in this world but I'm just scared and not ready of loosing her. Part of myself is scared to face my future without lola at my side. Scared of facing my reality without asking her advice....and the only thing that I keep on praying is that "I HOPE ONE DAY, I CAN REPAY LOLA'S SACRIFICES SHE MADE FOR US (my family)..AND HOPEFULLY WE CAN STILL SHARE EACH OTHERS GLANCE AS I'LL RECEIVE MY BACHELOR AS AN ENGINEER...laugh so hard like there's no more tomorrow." 

I expressed too much, now I guess I need to stop making dramatic things and continue to be happy for her.... somehow, I'm just wishing that despite that I'm miles away from lola peding, there'll be that one person (though not as like her) whom I can turn to without any doubt and worry.....I guess, I'll end up to here, I don't wanna think worries and just hoping that Lola's happy right now for me, for everyone that she loves...LOOK AHEAD AND STAY POSITIVE :)

IF THINGS AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH RIGHT NOW, PLEASE TELL ME THAT THINGS WILL BE BETTER SOON ENOUGH. :)

-rechel