Enough is enough....

The best way to get over someone is to cut off all the ties. It's a lot easier when you don't see or hear from them. YOUR FEELINGS WILL EVENTUALLY DIE. It's not the breakup that hurts the most. It's the post trauma that follows it. It's waking up and checking your phone for the SMS that is not there.

Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.... 

So there it goes, I guess it's pretty much obvious why I go into blogging again....talking about love and pain. Probably, I should not be talking about this matter because it's been a long time since Reyar and I broke up...it's just that, I still have feelings for him. Seriously, I can't deny the fact on what's going on my mind tonight, thinking of why the guts I have can't even stop me from chasing him. I'm trying to control my feelings over my thoughts. I'm trying to restrain this crazy emotions that long time ago should be forgotten...I CAN'T!! And that's the hardest thing I could ever do, nooo, it's an easy thing to do, it's just the mind and body don't follow, and they keep on tracking a hole to oppose my affection unto him.

So much for the drama, I'm trying to express this right now because he's letting me go as in like LETTING GOOOOO, you know, strangers with thousand of memories....isn't it cool right? Anyways, putting a gap is what he wants, and okay fine, since we don't have the right to demand for something and that's the only way to end up this messy relationship, let me give him the right to grant what he wants... dunno know what to write in here, lots of things bothering my mind and I find it hard to urge this thought into words....but let me tell you honestly, I'm just afraid that maybe one day, I'll find him happy with someone else and here I am still waiting for that one day to come that I'll be good enough to someone else...because for now, he's all I've been thinking of, he's all I need, nothing more, nothing less...his presence and smiles are enough for me to let my world see the beauty of life. Yea, I know it's a bit exaggerated..allow me to shout this through words because I know this is the only thing I can do to express the sensation I felt for himgot no one to talk to about this... I got nothing to do when his decision is firm...but to you Rey, thank you...thank you for the insane feeling I got, maybe soon if ever our friendship will grow (even just as small as a seed), we'll both laugh at this and create a stronger bond, at least super duper learning experiences will never be erased between the two of us. I've been burdened with blame trapped in the past for too long, and now, I'm moving on. If I didn't love you, this never would have happened. But I did. And accepting that love and everything that followed it is part of letting it go.

Though time was able to escape from the cage of our adventurous-a-bit-puppy-but-serious-love, I'm still not loosing hope that it (time) will still come back unto us, and let both of us realize that LOVE IS PATIENCE ENOUGH TO LET US FEEL THAT IT IS WORTH THE WAIT..... :) 

-always loving you….RECHEL :)

Integration by hearts -__-

BEING INLOVE WAS LIKE CHINA: YOU KNEW IT WAS THERE, AND NO DOUBT IT WAS VERY INTERESTING, AND SOME PEOPLE WENT THERE, BUT NEVER WOULD I. I'D SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE WITHOUT EVER GOING TO CHINA, BUT IT WOULDN'T MATTER, BECAUSE THERE WAS ALL THE REST OF THE WORLD TO VISIT.


Okayy, USC i guess is the only University in Cebu who had class today...news feed on my facebook and twitter flooded but I'm not that affected, like really :) One thing I bear in mind was that, this afternoon we'll be having our Pre final exam on Integral Calculus and I'm not that ready. I don't have the courage to answer those shitty integrals problems or whatsoever....Srsly, I feel like I'm blank to those plane areas, volumes integration thingy but I have to face it. I'll end up my anguish mode here, I'm just bursting this out because I feel like I'm drowning...grades? My God! Dunno what to say here. Gotta check you out later...

Dear Crush,

I don't know where to start at all. It's so crazy when and how we met. I remember that day just like yesterday. Sometimes something always crosses my mind . . . Do you remember that day? Or is it just forgotten like the day we met was nothing? Did it even matter to you? I bet it didn't. I bet it was just one of your usual days and you met some crazy girl.

You're so funny. You always have the funniest joke. Every time I see you I just can't help but smiling no matter what. You always ask me why I am smiling but I just never have an answer. I guess it's just impossible for me to look at you without smiling. Sometimes that's all I can do when I am unable to reply to you when you talk to me.

When you talk to me sometimes it's so hard for me to talk back to you. I stutter and try to talk back but nothing comes out. The only thing I realize at the moment you're talking to me is the butterflies churning in my stomach. I wonder if you think my stuttering is cute? Or what if you think I am just annoying?

Okay, so much for this and I'll shut my mouth up. But oh boy, you complete me, I mean not that much, but there's something in you that sparkled and makes me faint. (Char, exaggerated) Gotta fix my stuff here, study harder and end up to here. 'till next time bloggy :)

P.S., I still have a lot of things to share....

Sweet Sceneee...

Now that I got no one to lean on and there's nowhere to go, I guess this is the only way I can tell to the world of how terrible I am feeling this time..... I know I'm being so emotional again and I hope people will not judge me all of a sudden for acting this way, I just can't bare of missing someone.

I went to Leyte to attend Lola Mameng's burial  since my parents can't go there because my younger brother, Rhodney, had a dengue. Meet and greet relatives (old and new faces). We grieve for lola's death but at the same time rejoice for reuniting the "Balbas Family"...not to detail the whole happenings of Lola's last few times with us in this temporary world, the only thing I can say is that we became as one again, not just in blood but also in deciding certain issues and decisions before bidding farewell to our Lola Mameng.

On the other hand, the main reason why I'm sad tonight is that I just missed my Lola Peding (my real Lola and sister of Lola Mameng). I just missed how she tenderly cared me. Lola Peding never let me feel that I'm useless. I never felt empty when I'm with her. Crack jokes, sharing my teenage life comparing to her teenage time, laughing for a nonsense teleserye, etc, all those stuff, from her head to her toes, from her skin to her deepest bone... I TERRIBLY MISSED HER, like yes, I DO REALLY MISSED HER!!!

Sleeping beside lola Peding is the sweetest feeling I could ever imagine, I know some won't believe in me but I don't know, there's something in her that sparks me. I'm so sensitive to every words she speaks, so emotional when she sings.. in her, I never felt like starving, I'm always full. She never allow me to go somewhere without eating something. Whether she's mad or she's tired, WALAY REKLAMO BASTA PARA NAKO...and I guess that's the reason why I'm always craving for her presence.

Being with her is such a lovely feeling but then again...I still have another priority here in Cebu as a student and as a daughter to my mom. So then, I left her in Leyte, went back immediately in Cebu and face my reality. Part of my self (or my whole self) didn't want to go back and even think to transfer school near to Lola (which I know that mom won't allow me)... but before going back, I cherished every seconds left, took alot of pictures with her, ate together, shared almost all my secrets. TIME FLIES SO FAST that it is already around 5:00 P.M. and after an hour I'll be leaving her.... suddenly my eyes started to wet and I'm trying to stop it not to fall. My stuff were ready and dinner is also ready, kissed her goodbye and then ride in the car.

The only thing that makes me feel sad is that Lola is far away from  me to hugged with tight, to talked with, to laughed with, I don't know..... I'm just really mad at myself for feeling this way. I'm just lonely for Lola is always alone at home and there's no one she can talk to. I wanna be with her all the time.. now that Lola Mameng passed away, Lola Adela is miles away from her, too... who else could she turn to? Now tell me not to worry about it.... Well, honestly, I guess the only thing that made me really sad, in general, is that I'm afraid of loosing her. Of course I can accept the fact that we'll be all leaving in this world but I'm just scared and not ready of loosing her. Part of myself is scared to face my future without lola at my side. Scared of facing my reality without asking her advice....and the only thing that I keep on praying is that "I HOPE ONE DAY, I CAN REPAY LOLA'S SACRIFICES SHE MADE FOR US (my family)..AND HOPEFULLY WE CAN STILL SHARE EACH OTHERS GLANCE AS I'LL RECEIVE MY BACHELOR AS AN ENGINEER...laugh so hard like there's no more tomorrow." 

I expressed too much, now I guess I need to stop making dramatic things and continue to be happy for her.... somehow, I'm just wishing that despite that I'm miles away from lola peding, there'll be that one person (though not as like her) whom I can turn to without any doubt and worry.....I guess, I'll end up to here, I don't wanna think worries and just hoping that Lola's happy right now for me, for everyone that she loves...LOOK AHEAD AND STAY POSITIVE :)

IF THINGS AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH RIGHT NOW, PLEASE TELL ME THAT THINGS WILL BE BETTER SOON ENOUGH. :)

-rechel